Easier said than done...

I thought I was coming out of my funk. Maybe I was wrong. I know I have to kick my own ass and get moving. I really have to get to it! I know what I want to do, how do I make myself do it? I am going to start with daily rants on my blog, that will help!

A few months ago I was in a real bad way. I ran into someone that I used to work for, trust, and thought of as a friend and mentor. I was wrong and he, along with my other supervisors, sacrificed me (and ran me over several times with the bus) to save themselves. I really have come to grips with what happened, and I am moving past it. But running into him, talking to him and acting like we are still friends was very hard for me. That night I really broke down. What I am doing with my life! How am I going to find happiness and passion for something. I have been running on auto pilot for a long time. I did something that night that I hadn't done since I was a kid. I got down on my knees and asked God for help. I asked Him to please help me find clarity and a direction for myself. A passion for something in MY life, not my kids or husband but something for me to be passionate and enthusiastic about. Help me get my life going so I can be a better wife, mom and friend. I lost my job and I lost myself. There are parts of this change that I am happy about, I am thrilled that I am able to help out at my kids school and be more involved in their lives. But I lost myself along the way, and I need to find me. I did not expect anything more to come from this prayer. Why would God listen to me when I am a part timer only praying when I need or want something. But it made me feel a little better.

The next day my older brother called me and we were talking. He mentioned that he needed to get a website built for his company, but was having trouble doing it. I asked him if he would like me to take a shot at it and he said if I had time that would be great and if there was a way to get website domain emails that would be fantastic. That afternoon I built my first website, it is a really simple website and nothing special. But FINALLY I felt like I had accomplished something. I DID IT! Maybe I am not the total screw up that I was made out to be. Maybe I can do something. So then I started a blog, keeping it to myself because I have been the subject of public discourse before and I am still not interested in getting my self out to far in the public arena. I have built a couple more websites since then, and a blog for someone else. I am excited about doing websites, I have ideas for this and I just need to get busy working on it. Find a way to survive and earn a living. I have PASSION! And I have no doubt at all that this is all a result of my prayer. I can't go so far as to say that God intervened in my life, but I do believe that my prayer gave me the ability to clarify what was missing in my life. And I try to remember to pray every night. Taking the time to tell God what I am thankful for, what I need help with and what I want out of my life. When it comes right down to it, we are all responsible for our own lives. It is about time I realized I am the only person holding me back. I just hope that I can get out of my own way!!!